weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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