i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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