he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
