I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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