Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
