The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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