Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
