Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
