Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
