It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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