I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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