i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
