I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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