Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
