I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
