Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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