someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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