Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh god it's open bar.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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