My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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