I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
