I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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