I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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