Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
