There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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