OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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