I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
