Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
