Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
