he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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