I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
