remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
