I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
