I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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