I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
