Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
