The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
