so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
