My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
