After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
