I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
