In the future we'll all be gay
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
