I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
