hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
