DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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