Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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