He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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