So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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