apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
