stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
