you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
