i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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