For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
