Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
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