wanna go halves on a baby?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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