Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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