Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
