I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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