this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
