Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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