I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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