My room smells like vodka and shame
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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